what the ELLE?!

       It’s quite astounding how much I’ve learned about myself over the last few months since the summer began. I’ve since followed my instincts as to what I want to be doing, where I want to be going, and with whom I want to make a connection. A few things I’ve learned so far include that I’m thoroughly self-conscious, tend to put up walls, and talk too much - okay, that one I already knew. I find it not only helpful but also healthy to know your faults so that you can start, if you so desire, to start improving upon them.

       I’ve been way too busy lately to really sit down and meditate on these things but I realize tonight that it’s not so much that I have no time but that I make no time to do so. When I had less responsibilities, especially when I had no bills to pay, I spent a lot of time thinking and not doing. Now that the times have changed it seems that one must not only make goals for oneself but to actually work to achieve them. It’s funny how such a simple fact is overlooked by childhood ambition. I’m glad I know and understand this now.

       As per my nature I will set fire to everything and start anew. The great part about this is that, like a phoenix, I shed everything but my fundamental structure and foundation. I’ll start by addressing my relationships both platonic and romantic. Let’s just say I’ve learned much about the nature of myself and others. If I really wanted to start dating I have to start by letting my guard down, if only a little bit.

       One of the most important things I’ve come to realize is that I carry a bit of a reputation for being a bit nonchalant and exuberant. Two great things that don’t necessarily need to be toned down or even changed but, as my wise mother repeatedly told me as a child and continues to remind me, there’s a time and a place for everything. Damn it, why must they always be correct? I’m not so sorry to say this but I’m going to have to break up with you Adam and ManHunt. It’s been a good run, guys, but you’ve been nothing but annoying these last few years. What do you mean I still have 20 days left before my subscription with you is over?!

       I know that this may have been more for my personal benefit than that of anyone else’s but if you find this useful or at least entertaining - great. If you didn’t find it at all beneficial to or added anything to your life then you just spent the last few moments of your life withering away on the internet as you would have done without my help. Kudos to you either way.

Today was a day of uncertainties. Am I good enough? Am I settling? Am I happy? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions but I’d very much like some right about now.

       Every wrong guy you meet is essentially the right guy you need to meet in that moment. Clearly you saw something in them worth your time and effort so you parked your car (no pun intended) and decided to stay awhile. It is in the realization that they were the “wrong” guy that you take with you the information for that which you are not seeking. The only reason we continue to meet the wrong guys is so that when we finally meet the coveted Mr. Right we are equipped with the knowledge and experience of what we look for in a partner, the good, the bad, the tolerable, and the ugly.

       For as long as I can remember I’ve thought of myself as the type of person who would follow through with higher education, graduate high school, college, maybe a graduate degree. Over the last few months I’ve been doubting this path more and more. I’ve talked to a few of my friends about it and am getting a lot of support trying to decide what to do. Calling my mother was, of course, the biggest part of this decision - she didn’t want any of it and continues to try to talk me out of it. I’ve made no solid decisions yet but what if college just isn’t my thing?

       I’m trying to find some kind of balance. Maybe I’ll take a year off, continue working, training, get a few gigs and dance opportunities; maybe I’ll transfer elsewhere because a liberal arts education is becoming far too abstract for my taste - maybe I’ll try to graduate a year early. I’ve yet to make any solid plans but I’m starting to feel like I’m paying to be taught to learn. What am I talking about? That’s exactly what I’m being taught! Thanks for everything, Sarah Lawrence, but maybe we should break up for now?

       It’s the Tuesday of Spring Break and I’ve missed work. I chalk it up to food poisoning and, after having the off day that I had yesterday, I’m starting to feel the pressure of my world crashing down on me. I really wish this wasn’t so, the feeling isn’t something I want to endure right now while I’m trying to figure out how to balance being a college student, training dancer, and having a job.

       I honestly can’t wait to graduate so I have less on my plate. A lot of people think I’m crazy for wanting to be out of college but it’s honestly such a roadblock at this point. The only reason, I feel, that I’m here is to collect my diploma after my four years so I can use it to get a better job. I’ve been ready to fly from the nest for awhile now, I’m just being held back - at least that’s the impression I get. I need to be training a lot harder than I currently am, I need to find my own space, my sanctuary, to retire for the night, and I need my friends with whom I can go to after work or ballet to just relax and forget my troubles.

       I miss being a kid. I don’t want to have these responsibilities. Where the heck is Peter Pan?! 

       As I lay here with knitting needles in hand I wonder when I was stripped of my title as a “Teenage Hooligan.” I’ve time before class and instead of partaking in debaucherous activities I’m lying in bed, listening to Lady Gaga, and knitting a sweater. I’ve even began thinking of knew design ideas for jewelry I plan on creating for myself later this month when the money starts coming in and I can run back to an arts and crafts store to buy supplies. Maybe it’s because knitting has connotations of old ladies sitting in their rocking chairs, making blankets for their grandchildren, or maybe it’s because I’m thoroughly exhausted and completely out of it but to where has my youth disappeared?!

       I feel slightly emasculated, or like I’m not fulfilling my duties as a stereotypical horny college student who can’t help but touch himself every free chance he gets. I mean, I’ve got the laptop open and instead of browsing for porn I’m writing this journal… followed by me posting this and continuing to knit. AGH! Geez, where do I get these preconceived notions of what I’m “supposed” to be doing?

       I’ve never really been rejected before, at least not when it mattered. Sure, there have been times in my life when I’ve frivolously thrown pieces of my heart around but those were mere fragments. I’ve had some of those said fragments lightly tossed at me, gently handed back, even spat on, thrown to the ground, and stomped on, before kicking it back my direction - but those didn’t really matter that much to me. I consider this my first “real” rejection because I’ve stepped away from my comfort zone and actually let someone know a truer side of me than I’ve shown the others. I guess I’ll call this “growing up.”

       As adults do, we go about our lives consciously and subconsciously making connections. We pursue some of these connections more than others and, if the timing (as well as several other factors) add up correctly, we’ll proceed with the next step. The relationship I’ve been cultivating with one individual led me to the point of suggesting we go on a date. He properly declined and replied with a heartfelt and honest rejection to my offer. I was crushed at first but stepped back and realized that while this current road has been blocked, there are several other paths for me to follow. Who knows, maybe I’ll come across this road again and there’ll be a bridge waiting for me?

“I FUCKING LOVE COLORING!”

       Whenever I pick up a marker, colored pencil, crayon, or any other coloring device, put it against a page, and begin coloring, I enter into this trance-like state of being where everything essentially slows down and all I can focus on is coloring. If I’m listening to music at the time, I enter into a deeper state of trance whereby everything around me moves at the normal pace but my body feels as if it’s moving a lot faster.

       Oh, God! It’s happening! Someone, help!

If I’m such a catch,

then why hasn’t anyone

reeled my ass in yet?

       Yesterday I was nearly brought to tears when I found out that I had been given a substantial amount of scholarship money that was to go towards student housing. “I’m not going to be homeless!” I immediately thought. My current balance comes out to around $400 which I need to pay before the 11th of February but that’s far more doable than the original $5000 I had to pay. I probably look like the biggest goof on campus as I walk around with my wider-than-usual smile. I don’t care, things are looking up - it’s a great little world we live in! Oh, I’m  happy as a pup since love looked up at me…

       This is the second year in a row where I have a dream about my search for ten Christmas ribbons. It always happens around the holiday season and granted it’s been nearly a month since Christmas it still counts. I’m not quite sure what to make of this dream but the details, as far as I can recall, go as follow.

       I’m walking around this wintery wonderland of a Christmas village trying to find my friends with whom I originally arrived. Upon finally finding them we begin our search for the ribbons which, when at least seven are found, grant the winning team an amazing prize. Last year we had found all ten ribbons without much difficulty but this year it’s taking a bit more effort. The first few were attached to red cherries strewn about and hung amongst other decorations around the village.

       Mind you, the search wasn’t as simple as spotting a blue or green ribbon tied around an ornament - the items themselves were hidden amongst other decorations but had a slightly special tint to them, different from those among it. Upon touching the item the ribbon would magically materialize around it, letting you know that you found the right item. A difference in coloration wasn’t the only way to tell if the item was the right pick, however - there was a certain energy and feel surrounding these items that just attracted you to them.

       Seven red cherries down the road we were about to give up the search for the next and final three. If you found the seven ribbons you won the prize but finding all ten yielded an even greater surprise! Needless to say I wanted to find the remaining three. Looking around the barn, several buildings, around trees - nothing. We were about to give up when one of my friends’ kid brother found the eighth ribbon around a green apple. I turned around and picked up another apple and it too had a blue ribbon materialize around its stem upon my touch. My friend’s father came back with the tenth and final item and we quickly went to the Christmas tree in the middle of the town square and tied the ten items around the tree and waited for our prize. The apples then started to magically be eaten, showing bite marks and chunks bitten off of it.

       Everyone started heading back to the car to return home when the father and I were left around the tree packing our things. Turning towards the car I heard a sound behind me, turned around, and saw that Santa Claus had begun picking up our decorations! He smiled, took a bite from the green apple, and disappeared in a flurry of snow. I began tearing up, the holiday season bringing tears of joy from my eyes, and we headed home. Once there we all helped to put the groceries away and prepare Christmas dinner.

       I have been trying, over the last few months, to find a reliable source of income as well as my own space to call home. Not that Bronxville isn’t exactly home to me but I need my own slice of privacy and sanctuary. I’ve been looking through the classifieds for something - anything that is reliable and affordable but have yet to find any real leads. I’ve submitted quite a few applications and resumes to jobs from here to New York City and taken a few good steps but things have made a turn for the better.

       Yesterday I received an email from campus housing notifying me that space has opened up. While it’s not a single, I’ll take anything at this point - so I’ve been notified that a double is available to me should I get the payments and financial aid in check before their established deadline. I’m really hoping I can make this happen so that I have easier access to campus and its resources but we’ll just keep our fingers crossed. I’m hoping that once I’ve moved back on campus I can find a job, whether it be on or off-campus, so I can save up the money necessary for me to find my own place in Manhattan this summer. Cheers to the future, mates!

       I’ve been struggling with this notion that I had to make a decision between one form of expression or another, how to come to terms with my identity, and so many other things that I didn’t bother to ask myself who I was doing all of this for. Upon looking around seeing the beautiful smiling faces of all my friends (via Facebook, since I was bored and stalking them) I realized that all that my friends want, and all that I want, is to be happy. That’s it. That’s all I’m asking for. I just want to be happy. With this bit of knowledge gained I’m going to continue forth and just be.

“Don’t worry, be happy.” - Bob Marley

       I’m only slightly stressing out about what to wear to tonight’s New Year’s Fireplace-themed soiree to which I’ve been invited. It’s a New Year’s gathering of a bunch of artsy gays and I want to look cute and classy - not to mention there are a few really cute guys I hear are coming so it’s always a good idea to look stunning for both myself and them. Back to the point, all who are coming are friends with at least two to three other people at the party and there’s about twenty-five of us which basically means we’re all walking into a room full of strangers. Awesome.

       We’re all staying overnight at this giant house so I’m also wondering what essentials I should bring with me. I’m horrible at packing lightly so this really is going to be difficult - especially deciding what outfit to wear to brunch tomorrow. Should I roll out of bed with a cute pair of undies or go with hilariously adorable pajama bottoms? I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of this, it’s just a gathering of faeries… oh, crap - I still need to grab wine!